


devil you know

by iihappydaysii



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: But they don't know that, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Content, claire isn't dead, friends with benefits ish, jamie and john do some talking, just like jamie isn't really dead, talking about percy without saying his name
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:55:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22868974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: Instead of Jamie being believed to be dead in a shipwreck, it's Claire. Jamie goes to John in search of comfort and they discuss their feelings for each other and their feelings for those they've lost.
Relationships: Jamie Fraser/Lord John Grey, Lord John Grey/Percy Wainwright
Comments: 4
Kudos: 96





	devil you know

Claire was dead. She’d gone down in a shipwreck off the coast. Claire was dead and Jamie’s large body was pinning John’s smaller body against the wall, Jamie’s mouth on John’s mouth.

It was only because Jamie must’ve needed to breathe, that John was able to speak. “What are you doing?”

“Do ye not want this?”

Of course he wanted it. That wasn’t the bloody point. The point was Claire was dead and Jamie wasn’t in his right mind. John decided to say as much. “We can’t. You’re not thinking straight.”

Brianna had once used the term to mean people who were, well, not like him. Under that meaning, Jamie was most certainly not thinking straight, if the hardness against John’s leg was any measure.

“I ken what I’m doing.”

“I’m not taking advantage of you, Jamie. You’re in distress. You can’t ask me to hurt you.”

Jamie backed away from him, running a hand over his hair. “Distress? Distress doesn’t begin to explain what I’m feeling, but all I ken, John, is that I can’t keep feeling it. I need to feel something else. Anything else. Please, John. Please help me. I need you.”

It was second nature now to John, a habit impossible to break, to give Jamie whatever it was he needed. So John, God help him, reached out for Jamie and pulled him back in. 

Their clothes made a trail from the sitting room, up the stairs to the bedroom. And when they were naked, it was easy enough to fall together in a tangle onto the bed. But when John spread his legs for Jamie to have his way, Jamie pushed John’s knees back together. 

“I want ye to take me,” Jamie said in the darkness. 

John thrilled at the thought. “Are you certain?”

“I need it to be different. I need to be overwhelming.”

So John laid Jamie out on the bed and hitched the man’s legs up over his hips. When he sank himself all the way inside, John muffled Jamie’s soft cry with his mouth.

_Different,_ John thought. _Overwhelming._

He would do his very best.

When it was all over, Jamie laid beside John in his bed. He’d said nothing, been unable to move, though he’d felt the man’s seed slowly dripping back out of him. It hadn’t hurt, but it ached., and Jamie realized how skilled of a lover John was that it left him hoping for more. 

Before he could say anything to that affect, John was silently slipping out of bed. He pulled his linen shirt on over his head and walked towards the windows, the curved bottom of his arse still visible. In the lavender light of the infant sunrise, Jamie could see the deep lines of pain in the other man’s face.

“Ye were worried about hurting me, but I reckon I hurt you,” Jamie said, feeling an uneasiness between his ribs.

“I’m fine.”

“Was I that inadequate?” Jamie slipped out of bed, tugging on his breeches. He spoke with humor, hoping to lift the dark cloud that had settled over this room. 

“You were wonderful.” John traced his finger through the dew on the window. 

“But it wasn’t what ye had always imagined?”

John sighed, dropping his finger away from the wet window. “It’s not that. I think I just realized how much I hurt someone once. I’ve been blaming him for something that... I played a part in, and that I can understand. After that.”

The sadness in John’s voice made guilt crash over Jamie like a wave. But Jamie could not think of waves and the ocean now, if he wanted to keep his own head above water.

“John,” he put a hand on the man’s warm forearm. I really did find pleasure in that. In the way it felt and in being so close to ye. You are an excellent lover.”

With a shaky breath, John turned towards him. Jamie could see his eyes wet and shimmery. “I did too, Jamie. So much. It’s only... do you remember at Helwater, not long after William was born, when I came looking to you for advice?”

Jamie hadn’t thought of that in a very long time, but he remembered the fight. How angry he’d been about so many things that were not John’s fault. But John cared what he thought. He could hurt John with his anger and, at the time, he’d needed someone who cared enough about him that he could hurt them.

“I almost punched your face in.”

“I deserved it.” 

Jamie had felt like he did at the time, for what he’d said. _I could make you scream._ He couldn’t have known why that would set Jamie off—and of course, John had meant scream in pleasure. After what they had just done, Jamie did believe the man had not been exaggerating.

“That maybe, but you dinna deserve what I said before it.”

A small smile twitched across John’s face, then he frowned, looking again to lines he’d drawn in the dewy glass. More details of the memory surfaced in Jamie’s mind—that which had led to their argument.

“Ye are thinking of the man ye asked me about, the man imprisoned for sodomy.”

John sighed and turned towards Jamie. “He was my lover.”

Jamie blinked, remembering even more of the content of that long ago conversation. “Then how was he caught and you were no?” 

John gave him a look. Jamie knew John well enough to read it easily.

“He was unfaithful to ye. I am sorry.”

“There were extenuating circumstances.” John shrugged. “Though I have not truly accepted them. He was pressured, though I felt he gave in far too easily and that must’ve meant he did not truly care for me. And now... now I’m not so sure.”

“Ye think he had a good reason?”

“I think you do things you wouldn’t normally do when you have a broken heart. It hurts, even when the other person is willing and finds pleasure in it... when the feelings between the two are not believed to be equally matched. I told him, all those years ago, that... that I enjoyed his company and his friendship and his touch, but that my heart belonged to another.”

Jamie shut his eyes. “Ye mean me?”

“I told him I... I mean of course I didn’t tell him who you were and I said that you weren’t and we would never... but he was in love with me and...”

“Hurt that ye were not in love with him?”

“But I was. I just realized it far too late. All this time I’ve believed I was angry at him for being unfaithful, when I was angry that his unfaithfulness had led me to lose him.”

Jamie could see John hurting, could see the depth of feeling in him. Could feel that depth of feeling was not directed at him. “Ye ken, John, that maybe our feelings are not so unequally matched.”

He laughed a quiet laugh. “I feel as if I have been in love with you for so long, I am not sure who I am without that feeling. I’ve used it to guide so many choices. But maybe it was easier to love someone I could not have than love someone who could hurt me.” He sighed, then shared a soft look with Jamie. “The devil you know. And I knew what it felt to want you and not be able to have you. It was pain but it was a pain...”

“That you knew you could survive?”

“Forgive me, Jamie. You are the one whose pain we should be concerning ourselves with.”

Pain rocked through him all over again. The thought of Claire… gone again. And not just gone this time. Dead. That was a pain he was not sure he could survive. “I meant it when I said I dinna want to think on it. I can not bear to think on it.”

John gave a near imperceptible nod, then stepped closer to Jamie. Jamie realized now, he’d left a bruise on John’s neck. 

“You’re right,” John said, with a hint of desire. “I don’t believe our feelings to be unequally matched.”

Jamie slid his hand down John’s arm and locked their fingers. “Then come back to bed, John, and I’ll have you this time, if ye would like.”


End file.
